my brain is lying to me

I had a good week at Nationals. As in, surreally good:

back of arrowhead shaped medal: 8th Place, Veteran 40-49 Women's Foil, National Championships, Columbus OH
I won a shiny…
two people fencing on raised fencing strip, with USA Fencing logo on wall in background and referee directing in front
…fenced a team event as the “anchor” (though I was always the kid picked last for kickball). On the elevated finals strip, no less, though not a gold medal bout

…and even placed the highest I ever have (80th) in a large (150+) competition of mostly spry teenagers.

Additionally, querying and other networky/researchy things revolving around The Book™ are going better than expected. Don’t really feel like I can go into detail yet but it’s all very promising.

Bundle of red roses. Occasionally an eye opens in the center of the largest one.
So why, when everything is coming up roses, does it all feel a little…wrong?

Part of it is straight-up homesickness. I lived out of a suitcase for half of June. I don’t usually travel this many places in quick succession. While the people I’ve met and events I’ve participated in have been wonderful, I’m unused to such rapid changes of place and I’m left disoriented.

Some of it is exhaustion – all that travel, plus full time job and Life that never stops on top of my seeming inability to get more than 6 hours sleep a night has taken a toll.

But more than anything else it’s my bad wiring.

I have anxiety and depression. I don’t like to dwell on it so I don’t talk about it very often. Due to my great good fortune in having decent mental health care they are mostly managed, most of the time.

But sometimes my brain just won’t let me have nice things, as it did towards the tail end of last week. It has this chemical rebellion that results in feelings that it’s all going to backfire any minute, or that it’s all luck and not the result of long hours of hard work.

As I type this I’m bouncing back, but it’s a long, slow bounce. The best I can do is rest, get back on a regular schedule and avoid caffeine like the plague (ask me about my celebratory slice of chocolate pie. No, best not). When I’m in such a state, rejoining the workaday world where I am not an [insert activity here] rockstar is paradoxically easier than enjoying my successes.

So: big girl panties yanked up, laundry done, early bed tonight.

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Allison Thurman

Raised on a diet of Star Wars, Monty Python, and In Search Of, Allison Thurman has always made stuff, lately out of words. She lives in a galaxy far, far away (well, the DC metro area) with too many books and not enough swords.

5 thoughts on “my brain is lying to me”

  1. You’ve got this. Like you said, put on the big girl panties, drink your water and take your vitamins and get some decent sleep. Sometimes… actually, most of the time that’s the best thing you can do. Oh, and get a good hug from someone you love. <3

  2. Allison: you deserve good things. I don’t believe this when I say it to myself either, so maybe me saying it TO you is the magic formula. But I’m right on this one so trust me.

  3. The key to enduring the bad days doing what I can do to manage it (hydration, vitamins, sleep, etc.) but trying to forgive myself the stuff I can’t control (varies). When I get on a really good run of normal days it’s easy to deceive myself that I’m cured, not just managed. Last week was one of those reminders 🙁

  4. Thank you 🙂 And remember YOU deserve good things too! Passing on good vibes never hurts 🙂

  5. I’m glad you have the awareness that your brain tells lies. Because, yes, you deserve ALL the good things you’ve got, and all that are to come; you’ve worked hard for and earned every one.

    And you know I would NEVER lie to you about this, right?

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