I’m sure you’re all seeing calls to be grateful on your [insert social media/email list/forums/etc. here] lately. Someone starting a comment thread, or posting a quote, or speaking of meditation and other ways to ease anxiety.
I’m not knocking it – every little bit of positivity you can squeeze out of this situation is good. But personally, it’s starting to grate a little.
Not that I don’t have anything to be grateful for, because I’m lucky compared to some: coronavirus hasn’t taken anyone from me (yet? I do still worry), me and mine are (largely) healthy, I’m employed, and I’m sheltering in place with someone whose company I enjoy and who I trust to be as careful as I am (if not more so). I don’t want to be the jerk who doesn’t acknowledge how easy they’ve got it.
But I’m grateful for some things that are just depressing and maladaptive:
I’m grateful I have pre-existing anxiety. A brain that always leaps to the worst conclusion isn’t blindsided when the sky comes crashing down. I have similar disappointments to everyone else but in a twisted way, I’m prepared. Experientially I’m sideswiped, yeah, as none of my worst nightmares included a pandemic that could go on for months and months, but my (usually) lying brain just knew it something was in the post.
Sadder though is that I’m grateful my mother died in January. Given her age and health, she wouldn’t have survived coronavirus. She would have suffocated alone, respirators allocated to people with better chances. Given shelter in place there wouldn’t have been a memorial service. But in January she went peacefully with her family around her, and we got to give her a lovely service.
I feel horrible for even admitting that. But I know that if she were still alive I’d be crawling the walls with worry and unlikely able to go to her. While I can weather everything else that would be too much.
So, confession time, if you’re so inclined. What odd, sad, or questionable things are you grateful for in this mess?
I’m grateful my dad died back in 2013, so you are not alone in either that kind of sentiment, or frankly, being annoyed with calls to be grateful, or that goddamn graphic with concentric ellipses with how to be your best self during a time of pandemic. It’s bullshit and it’s cruel to anyone who fights with anxiety. I hate all of it. But back to dad. I’ve been grateful so many times that he died seven years ago – glad that he wasn’t around to see Trump win and glad he didn’t have to see us fall apart during a pandemic. He truly believed in the institutions of our federal government and his heart would have broken several times over.
I don’t see that as sad at all but as a sign of your love for your mother; you are glad for her that she was spared this. My mother died just over a year and three months ago and I miss her every day but I’ve also been glad it was quick for her and doubly glad now that she didn’t have to endure the current pandemic situation.
Many hugs; makes me happy every time your online presence tells me you’re still safe.
P.S. Grateful for pretty much the same things as you: employed and being paid, can do part of my job at home and workplace is within walking distance if my knee is in a good mood (city transit is providing no fare service using only the big buses with back doors to keep the drivers safe), closed to the public before orders were issued and boss & HR have both been right on top of spreading people further apart, rearranging the break room so nobody can sit within two metres of another person, and supplying tons of personal and workstation/furniture cleaning supplies (there’s a ten gallon drum of hand sanitizer sitting in one hallway for staff to fill their own desktop containers); anybody with so much as a sniffle has been required to stay home for two weeks (so far everybody who’s been tested has been negative but they still have to stay home). We who do computer-based work have been told to work from home as much as possible and the company has gone to a 4-day week for all of April (with staff only being asked to take one of the Fridays without pay; we’re being paid for the rest)
Food stores in my neighbourhood have remained reasonably well stocked and also enforcing hygiene and distance. And I’m perfectly happy to be by myself and have hobbies and interests to keep me occupied.
So, overall, feeling lucky that my situation is good.
My apologies for not replying sooner – WordPress is unaccountably NOT telling me when I’ve got comments.
I think you understand where I’m coming from. I often wish I could talk to Mom about the current situation, as as things got stranger and worse during the Trump administration she always had something pointed to say (among her dying words to everyone were to vote against Trump in November). But at the same time, apart from any threats to her health this is just…yeah.
As for gratitude, I try fervently to count my blessings as I really do have it easier than most. But the constant push towards positivity grates. This is a lousy situation that didn’t need to happen (or, at least, a lot of what’s happening could have been minimized or alleviated if Trump had acted sooner) and I think a little healthy venting is in order.
I’m glad you’re weathering this ok up there!
Thanks 🙂